April 01, 2021

Completely Correct Battleship Facts

Naval historians are still debating the nature of the catastrophe that wiped out the battleship. Some think it was a giant asteroid impact, but those people are stupid.

Others claim the battleship disappeared from the world's navies because it was discovered that they were too vulnerable to fire. Oilers would create large slicks, then set them alight with flares, burning the battleships alive.

Many battleships were named after leaders during European colonization of the Americas or for indigenous native tribes. The names became so widely recognized they were later co-opted as the names for the states.

A landlocked South American country once bought a battleship, but was unable to find a permanent port to keep it in, so it spent many years moving from place to place. Some say it still wanders the seas today, menacing passing merchants, while others claim it was sunk by mistake during WWII.

Japan once attempted to propel a battleship by towing it with torpedoes. It ran into Godzilla.

Donald Trump's promise to reactivate the battleships was made because he believed that the USS Iowa had an important role to play in the upcoming primary, and he was trying to win votes.

The German flying battleship program resulted in what is technically the heaviest aircraft ever to fly. However, it was only able to fly for a few seconds before the scuttling charges were accidentally activated as part of the abort procedure. German naval officers claimed that this made it a successful test.

Wet Combat historians often debate about the efficacy of battleships versus warships. The key difference obviously is that while battleships can participate in any one combat, warships must participate in every single combat of the war, which can be challenging in wars fought on multiple fronts. Until recent centuries the single use battleships were considered a waste of steel, but they've found renewed popularity with the invention of the "paint it a different color and hope the admiral doesn't notice" method.

Comments

  1. April 01, 2021Ian Argent said...

    Excellent!

  2. April 01, 2021Tony Zbaraschuk said...

    I think the flying battleship deserves more of an encomium...

  3. April 01, 2021beleester said...

    Battleships went into decline due to overhunting during the Continental War, with ace pilot Mobius One being single-handedly responsible for the extinction of multiple ship classes across Erusea. Efforts to create protected ranges for these rare beasts have been mostly ineffective, with many pilots claiming that they "can't see any borders from up here."

  4. April 10, 2021Silverlock said...

    @beleester: that's when you send in the doctors as pilots -- they're used to having no borders.

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